07/30/2011
Evelyn C. Zumaya
1234 No One Gives A Shit Street
Anytown, Anystate
01234-2940
Anycountry
Ms. Evelyn C. Zumaya
It has recently come to our attention that you have completely lost your fucking mind. Must you consistently embarrass yourself, day after day writing a blog that is dedicated exclusively to the slander of David Bret and in your feeble, 62 year old mind, convincing only yourself that your book is anything but self-glorified fan fiction? Are you really convinced that this is the "authoritative and definitive biography" of one of silent films' greatest stars?
As a general rule, a definitive biography would begin with the birth of its' subject and work its' way through the life of said subject, giving a balanced and unbiased account of the life, death and legacy of said subject. Your book does none of these things, Ms. Zumaya. Regardless of your self-written blog full of self-proclamations, edited by yourself (and very poorly so, I must say) detailing your self-serving project, (Is anyone else noticing a pattern here?) your book is still below sub-par. Your book will always be sub-par and is currently published by a criminal; a criminal with an active warrant for her arrest; a criminal with FELONY charges against her; a criminal currently on the run from the authorities; a criminal with a One-Hundred Thousand Dollar lawsuit that continues to gain interest to the tune of Ten-Thousand Dollars a year, a criminal that by your own admission and statements is "...physically and mentally ill." YOU, Ms. Zumaya, told a friend in confidence that you sincerely believed that Ms. Birchard/"Pickford" would be dead within one year if she didn't seek professional help. You also confided in this friend that Ms. Birchard/"Pickford" had developed a serious alcohol problem. These are your words, Evelyn C. Zumaya. You dropped Ms. Birchard/”Pickford” like a hot potato when she became too needy, constantly asking for rides to the grocery, etc. You only rekindled your “relationship” with Ms. Birchard/Pickford when it suited you. You are a foul excuse for a human being to use a physically and mentally ill woman for your own self-serving purposes.
You, Ms. Evelyn C. Zumaya, created this fantasy of “living in hiding” and these supposed “cultists” in an effort to create a buzz for your pathetic book. Not only is it completely laughable, but it hasn't worked worth a damn to generate any buzz outside of the extremely small circle of people whom know that it's bullshit. Incidentally, the very people whom you call “cultists” are some of the only people that bought this book. At the last minute, you and Katie Lynn Birchard, under the guise of “Hala Pickford,” using the very publishing company that is now on the chopping block in a FELONY investigation, decided in order to gain revenge against David Bret and others, put a nearly 15 page rant, full of libelous and misconstrued information. This “Forewarning” wasn't intended to defend your “freedom of speech.” This was done to lay the ground work for these imaginary “cultists” and to create a convenient excuse for your publisher disappearing into “hiding,” when really, she's wanted by the authorities. You are no more living in hiding than Lady Gaga. You may as well throw on a meat-dress and prance around in Hollywood.
Evelyn C. Zumaya, do you really think that no one has noticed that the book was pulled from EVERY online retailer and is not available for sale ANYWHERE?! Of course you're not advertising THAT. Instead, you continue to bang away on your typewriter, touting how “authoritative” and “well-researched” your book is? Have you convinced yourself yet, Ms. Zumaya, because no one else is buying it; neither figuratively, or with cash or credit. When we contacted Amazon.com regarding the sudden disappearance of your book, we were simply told that “the product did not meet Amazon's strict quality-control standards and was not suitable for our customers.” Barnes and Noble simply replied that “the book you are inquiring about is no longer offered for sale.” If I didn't know any better, Evelyn C. Zumaya, I'd say your book was pulled because it was mis-advertised, contained libelous and potentially illegal material and received more 1-Star reviews than a Broadway show written by and starring Katie Lynn Birchard.
You aren't selling books out of your home because the book is a print-on-demand product, only manufactured each time someone buys it. These one off copies are ordered by online retailers as they sell, and other than that, aren't available anywhere. It's more likely than not that you can't afford to stock the book yourself, because in an attempt to defraud your readers, you made the book nearly double the size that it should have been. The nearly 600 pages would easily fit onto 350 if you printed the text in a standard size font and spacing. You could shrink the book down to a little over 15 pages if you removed the fantasized conversations, one-sided story line and drivel. Come to think of it, you could reduce it another 13 pages if you removed the libelous and sensationalized “Forewarning” that you threw in there at the last minute. That leaves only the cheaply produced, soft cover and a title page that are worth a shit, and the majority of customers that have purchased the book complain that the cover falls off too. You're about as much of a reporter as one of the News Of The World staff, and we all know how that ended. If your book is so fucking authoritative, why don't you ever address the issues that are brought up publicly about it, Evelyn? You don't because your a pussy and you're full of shit.
How can you explain the lawsuit against your publisher for SIX-FIGURES for Libel and Defamation of Character? How can you explain your book being pulled by every retailer that offered it for sale? How can you explain away the fact that your personal blogs are dropping like flies, disappearing like a fart on a windy day? How do you explain away the DOZENS of 1-Star Reviews regarding the quality of this book, both physical and content related? You're merely trying to increase your books' Google ranking by posting the same nonsense day in and day out. You can post screen shots of supposed research and call it the second coming of Christ, but until you've got a product that stands on the feet of such research, it really doesn't amount to anything. In general, at this point, you're only arguing with yourself. You've thrown so much shit at the wall that the entire room smells, but you can't get it to stick. At this point the shit coming out of your mouth is both diarrheal and disgusting.
To Summarize: This isn't the book that we, the supposed “cultists” don't want anyone to read. In fact, we wish everyone would read it and I'll happily loan anyone whom asks for it, my own personal copy. We've discovered the book in all its' “kookie” glory on several Bit Torrent sites online in PDF format. Since no one can buy the book anywhere currently, we are banking that a number of them will download it and continue to post their honest reviews regarding its' “quality.” You have to understand, Ms. Zumaya, that each time someone reads your fan-fiction, it only cements what has been written everywhere. It would be better for you to have never sold a copy, as at least then, there would be some shadow of doubt regarding the books' quality. You've got your “freedom of speech” and we've got ours and soon that's about the only freedom your publisher is going to have because she'll giving up the rest of her freedom behind the bars of a prison cell. You wouldn't have to daily post your “defense” if your work was astute.
Personally, I think David Bret summed it up quite cleverly. Your book and your blog are like having a quiet wank in a water closet. No one hears it or sees it and frankly, you're the only one who enjoys it. Now if you'll excuse me, my tie is crooked and I have quite the puddle of slobber to mop up.
Sincerely Yours,
The “Cultists”
cc. Katie Lynn Birchard, Hala Pickford, Hala Kitty, Hala Kuromi, 1921 PVG Publishing, Kaja Mundy, The Rudolph Valentino Society, Clara, Miss Dane, MissPickford9, HalaIsDayumBeautiful, ClaraBFS, Leah-Cim-Sirrom, Kassandra
